#15 Tip for today

This is an emotionally charged time of year and it can be a challenge for any of us to express the inevitable frustrations or irritations to our teams, families, and partners. This is especially hard to do when we are triggered and find it hard to remain calm. It takes some practice, skillfulness and control. This is the number 15 challenge facing my clients during 22.

We are all human, and we all lose it sometimes, both at home and at work. So ways to ensure that our communications are clear, straightforward and delivered with the right tone are crucial. Especially when everyone is tired and there's still lots to do!

So how do we get more skillful?

You've heard the expression, 'never go to bed on an argument', which translates to don't let the unease, dissatisfaction or anger marinade for weeks! It won't end well!

Act. Think about the issue in its simplest form,write what you need to convey, without getting personal or emotional. This may take some practice, and it's worth running it by someone else who is neutral before you have your conversation.

Ask permission to talk about something 'tricky' or an issue or challenge you're having before you start. Set up a time that suits everyone who is involved where possible.

Avoid saying things like 'you always' or 'you never' and try to explain your issues whilst taking responsibility for your own part in the situation. (tip: use "I" statements). Remember that you are a team, and that individualistic attitudes that imply someone is a winner and someone is a loser will hurt everyone, including you. It's almost never 100% of someone else's fault!

If someone involved is getting emotional, take a break and come back to it when you are both calm. The aim is for everyone to feel heard and have their say, calmly.

Empathise with the other person. Try to understand the other person's emotional world. This is not a court of law and you are not the judge on absolute truth. 

Make requests and listen to your partner's requests. Summarise what you think the other person is saying and ask if you got it right. Then tell them what you will act on. 

Always recap on any agreements and on who is taking action on what by when, so you keep each other accountable. Make a note of a review date to see if the situations is better by then.

I hope you've enjoyed scratching the surface of this topic, which has its roots in emotional and relational intelligence. This topic can be covered in a half or full day workshop if you're curious to hear more and dive in deeper!

Find more tips to help us all start 23 better together by clicking on previous articles.